After years of trying to be someone I’m not, I am embracing my inner hippie. I hope my story inspires you so we can all spread kindness. My name is Jill, and here is my journey so far.
The Early Years
I had a very happy childhood. As an only child with a big, extended Italian family, my life always felt full. I remained a naturally upbeat person through middle and high school. Yes, that’s me, the only one looking at the camera and frantically waving hello. (In contrast to being a happy child, I was a very picky child when it came to clothes. I lived in sweatpants–naturally pulled up to my knees because 1991–until high school when I finally started caring a little bit about appearance.) Everything started falling apart, though, when it was time to move on to college.
I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. Free-spirited didn’t translate into a major or career. So I applied to twenty colleges (and this was back in the day when you had to fill everything out on a typewriter), ranging from small liberal arts to large engineering schools. And using 18-year-old logic, I decided on a college based solely on the fact that I could play volleyball there. So what could go wrong, right? Just about everything.
I loved every minute of playing volleyball, but everything else ended up not being what I wanted. So I failed miserably. After a few years of trying different things, a quick marriage in my early twenties, and a child, I finally honed in on what I wanted to do; I returned to college and finished my degree with the highest honors.
The Young-Adult Years
During my mid- to late-twenties, I felt excited about my career future but trepidation at home. Not long after starting my dream job, I went through a divorce. I knew it was for the better, but during the few years leading up to that decision, I slowly sank into a depression. I thought I’d quickly bounce back once I was single, but I didn’t. And unfortunately, my job had some strict guidelines about what medications I could take, and antidepressants were not one of them. I learned how to put on a brave face at work and power through; however, it wasn’t long before everything started to look up.
I started casually dating a coworker, and it was going exceptionally well. We went into it with no expectations, only the goal to have fun. And it worked. I felt as happy and alive as I did in high school. Without realizing it until a medical scare with him, I had fallen in love. And so had he. The future looked so bright, and the depression seemed like it was now behind me.
Then, just shy of our one year together, he unexpectedly passed away. Not something I thought I’d be dealing with at 33 years old. The depression I had just fought my way out of came immediately back, worse than ever. I sobbed every day for months. This time I couldn’t fake a brave face. So I just pushed through even harder than before.
The Dark Years
Desperate to find that love again, I jumped at the opportunity with the first person who came along. My two youngest girls were born during that relationship, but they are the only positives. Unfortunately, he was the greatest mistake of my life. (I’ll expand on it further at some point on this website because I think it’s an important story to share.) My depression worsened. Eventually, I knew the only way to survive was to get out of that marriage, and I did. But the damage had been done, and I was mentally broken.
My “dream job” no longer felt like one. I tried my damnedest to put on a brave face and pretend that I was fine, but I was not. It was starting to show, and I knew it. Knowing that combined with the stress of the job began causing more mental–and now physical–conditions: anxiety, ear and sinus infections, nausea, insomnia, depression. I tried moving into several different positions available within the company that I thought might be better suited for my current state to no avail. So every day became harder than the day before.
Somehow I was lucky enough to meet my now-husband during this low point in my life. He loved me unconditionally, and that allowed me to feel secure enough to stop pretending I was okay. I informed work that I would be seeking treatment for the multitude of issues I had going on now, and while that was happening, I wouldn’t be able to continue with my typical responsibilities.
The Medical-Crisis Years
I was diagnosed with tension headaches and eventually migraines as well. For the first few months, I tried every natural treatment option available. When all that failed, I started with medications, some of which had awful side effects. And still, I was suffering. A new neurologist and fresh approach finally cleared up the headaches for the majority of the time. Still, at this point, I knew my medical struggles would be long-lasting, which meant my dream job would soon be coming to a permanent end.
Luckily, I found an excellent therapist at the onset of my medical issues. I worked with her to cope with the pain and stress of losing my job, identity, and the only thing I knew how to do for a career. She helped me see that my career didn’t define me, my health was more important than a paycheck, and sometimes powering through just isn’t healthy or sustainable. Along with my husband, she gave me the support I needed to address the depression and realize that I needed to take a more aggressive approach than just therapy.
The Upswing Years
Working with my doctor, we found a combination of antidepressants that helped some, but then the pandemic hit. I assumed my weight gain and continued depression was from being cooped up in the house day after day. Finally, at my yearly checkup in early 2021, my blood work showed signs of Hashimoto, an autoimmune disease that causes hypothyroidism. My doctor prescribed a medication for my thyroid issue–now the 4th medication I was taking. I knew something had to change because this wasn’t the adulthood I had envisioned.
When my initial dosage of the thyroid med barely made a difference, it was doubled. After that, I realized I couldn’t be a passive observer of my health any longer. So I did some quick internet research on Hashimoto’s disease and found a fair amount of arguments for a gluten-free diet to improve thyroid function. So I figured, “what the hell. I’ll give it a two-week go.” (I’m NOT here to push a specific dietary lifestyle. I’m not a nutritionist. I only want to share my journey and inspire you to find the correct path for yourself.)
Day three after gluten elimination was miserable. I was exhausted and had a headache all day, but day four was better than I had felt in a while. Day five, six, seven…kept improving. The results of my next round of bloodwork fell into the range my doctor wanted for me. So I didn’t need to increase the medication anymore.
Embracing my Inner Hippie
I was gaining control again, feeling alive, enjoying the little things. I’ve felt creativity in ways I’ve never felt before. I am no longer yearning for that childhood happiness because I’ve started to feel adulthood happiness, and it’s even better. The light at the end of the tunnel is near, and every day I’m one step closer.
After my second divorce, I reconnected with a friend I hadn’t spoken to in a few years. When I told him what had been going on in my life, he replied that I should write a book. I loved the idea of sharing my story, but a book only covers one part of what I want to share with the world.
A blog, on the other hand, is more fluid and up-to-date. I can share my past, chronicle my journey going forward, and inspire people to live creatively and freely. I am not trying to promote a particular way of living. Only you can choose that for yourself. But as I said on the homepage, this world needs more people to be turned on to beauty and fun, love and honesty. So I hope you’ll join me in whatever way you can. It’s going to be a great trip!