When was the last time I was able to do my own thing? Without distraction, interruption, or even a sliver of worry about anything? Nearly 11 years.
The Last Hoo-rah
The year was 2010. Divorced with one child, I shared custody with my ex, giving me regular intervals of time to alone. This was also the year I was in an excellent relationship with my coworker. Spending a weekend alone with him was blissful. But life has a way of throwing a wrench at you.
Late summer of that year, he passed away unexpectedly. I was only 33 years old. We had plans and hopes of a long future together. To say I was devastated would be an understatement.
In a deep depression, I rushed into a relationship, thinking that would mend my heartache. But, sadly, this man only made it worse. Much, much worse. A marriage and two children later, I finally couldn’t handle him anymore. And we divorced.
After that divorce, I had full custody of the kids. No overnight visits to dad’s house. No alternating school vacations or holidays. He only had a 2-hour supervised visit every other week. My parents helped out as much as possible; however, they struggled to keep up with my active kids. When necessary, my oldest would begrudgingly babysit.
Eventually, I remarried and now have my husband to help me with the kids. But I had been through so much that I couldn’t let go of control or worry, even when I knew deep down that everything would be okay. It took the stars aligning for the first time in 11 years for change to finally happen.
Time to Do My Own Thing
I found myself having six days to only myself and my 19-year-old son and two days completely child-free. And here’s what made this time even more special: my two younger kids were at sleepaway camp where I knew they were well-cared for, my husband was in Puerto Rico for work, and my son doesn’t drain any energy from me. Eight days to focus on me. And I needed every moment of it.
After a couple of hours spent completing some necessary paperwork I had been putting off, I was free. Free to do my own thing. And I had deeply forgotten how peaceful that felt. Each day I only did what I wanted to do: reading, writing, napping, painting. With my music turned up loud, I danced around the house. I ate when I wanted and what I wanted.
The moment I truly realized I was worry-free came after a night out with the ladies. This past year I joined an adult tap class at my daughter’s dance school, and we had the recital a few weeks ago. So we were gathering for an evening of dinner, drinks, and dancing to celebrate the end of the season.
Usually, I would have a few drinks to relax, but that wouldn’t stop me from checking my phone throughout the evening. I’d be anxious to get home. And when I did get home, I’d pretend I had a great time even though I was never fully enjoying myself.
But not this time. I had so much fun! I danced and enjoyed talking to everyone. I never once looked at my phone. I was disappointed when we left before the band finished playing. And the real kicker: I didn’t have a single drink the whole night, nor did I ever want one!
Mental Freedom
What I realized during all that me time was how badly every ounce of my being needed it. For the first time in 11 years, my brain was totally at peace. And it’s incredible what revelations happen with a rested mind. I don’t have to worry all the time. Letting go of control feels good. And most importantly, I need to find time on a regular basis to do my own thing.
I came up with such a list of hobbies and activities and projects I want to try that I’m having a hard time picking where to start. But that feels really good. I feel alive. For the first time in 11 years. When I post again, I’ll have just returned from vacation. I’ve planned for some time to partake in one hobby I’ve had for a long time: photography. Hopefully, I’ll have some wonderful stories, adventures, and photographs to share with you.