My best friends in the whole entire world are the friends I made in high school. Over four years, I found a group of people who complemented each other in every way possible. We had planners and followers, math wizards and English lovers, musical geniuses and stellar athletes. A ying for every yang. The gang, we called ourselves. We dubbed our spot in the library as the trouble zone because the librarians had to remind us to be quiet numerous times. But it was just too easy to get carried away when we were together.
Changing Friendships
When I moved on to college, I desperately longed to be back with the gang. I made some good friends for myself but never found the collective “gang” in which I truly belonged. I was lonely and sad. Summer couldn’t come fast enough. I needed to return home and see the important people in my life. But life has a funny way of moving on, and it was apparent that the gang was growing up and changing.
When I say growing up and changing, I am referring to the fact that our group was slowly spreading out across the country and starting their lives as adults. All of this happened during the late ‘90s/early 2000s–before Myspace and text messages. Heck, even before owning a flip phone was the norm. The best I could do as a broke waitress was a pager. Circumstances were pulling us apart, but they would never shatter us completely.
Zoom Reunion
A couple of months ago, much of the gang should have been celebrating a reunion at our high school, but covid had other plans. The school opted for a Zoom reunion, which, frankly, sounded painful. I didn’t want to Zoom with vague acquaintances from mid-twenty-something years ago. If we weren’t great friends then, an online video call is not how I want to make small talk now.
But as luck would have it, one friend, the usual planner, was in town from the other coast the weekend before our should-have-been-reunion weekend. And I, the usual follower, had adequate outdoor space to accommodate the gang and their families. So I would host a mini-reunion in my backyard. Unfortunately, all of the other out-of-town friends invited could not make it; however, all but two local friends could.
Friends Mini-Reunion
Throughout the years, we’ve been able to get parts of the group together here and there for important milestones, yet this time felt different. Better. The anticipation of our first major social gathering since covid probably had a lot to do with that. Also, for the first time in a while, I felt healthy and happy and whole again. At this gathering, I craved social interaction. I needed my friends and that sense of belonging more than ever.
Other than the day being unusually warm for early June, it was terrific. More than I could have expected. Friends, spouses, children: everyone enjoyed themselves. Our paths may have taken us all down different roads and spread us out around the country, but one thing was for sure: we were still the gang. What worked for our group 20+ years ago still works now. Time and distance and marriages and kids and careers and life couldn’t tear us apart. Our gatherings may be infrequent, but it feels as if no time has passed at all when they happen.
Moving Forward
I still long for those days of high school. Not the challenging parts like academics and adolescence, but the fun times such as hanging out in the trouble zone. I never found another gang like them. The friends I made in college and throughout different phases of my adult life seemed to come and go. We keep in touch through social media and have the occasional in-person interaction. But I was never able to recreate the same level of magic until recently.
Our family vacation this year was two weeks at the campground where we keep our camper. We chose this campground a few years ago because two coworkers had been staying there for years and loved it. They even convinced another pair of coworkers to park their camper there. Unfortunately, last summer, the original couple decided to try other things and moved on. But the other friends remain, and on this particular occasion, our friends had two of their friends visiting.
Campfires and Friends
We spent the whole afternoon and evening hanging out. Three out of the five kids amongst us hit it off (the other two were an infant and my middle child, who was already hanging out with a good friend of hers.) The day was as enjoyable as my recent mini-reunion. The ebb and flow of conversation moved with such ease that it felt like we had all known each other for years. At one point, I sat back in my chair and appreciated how all of us came together, different pieces of a puzzle fitting together to create a beautiful picture.
That day was the start of our vacation, but it wrapped up a long weekend at camp for them. At first, I was disappointed that we wouldn’t have another day like that during our vacation; however, I realized that it wasn’t too late for me to find a group of friends similar to the gang. It is possible. I hadn’t thought or felt that way in a long time.
Reflections
Looking back on my life, I spent so much of it convinced I was happier being a loner. Now, I don’t think that was accurate at all. Instead, I used it as a defense to protect myself from being excluded–or, more accurately, not fully included. I still enjoyed myself and had some great friends, but I was right on the outside edge, desperately trying to grab on to anything when it came to larger groups. Hence, the attitude of being a loner.
For most people, middle school is the start of those awkward, uncomfortable years, but not for me. I found some like-minded people, and for once, I had my group. I suppose if I stayed in that school district for high school, this group would have been my gang. (And again, we are now talking late ‘80s/ early ‘90s, so communication was limited to hand-written letters and home phone calls.) But I have no complaints about how those years turned out.
So why couldn’t I continue those seven years of having my gang? I went into college thinking it would be a repeat of high school, and when that didn’t seem to happen right away, my insecurities came right back. I was once again the self-proclaimed loner. Every new chapter in life, I thought this would be the time it would happen. But it never did. Even as I inched closer to where I felt I would belong–both work and living–the new gang hasn’t formed. The best I could seem to do each time was one or two friends, some who are still friends but many who faded away.
Finding Future Friends
My most recent attempt has been trying to get in with a mom group from our town. But similar to elementary school, I’m not excluded, but I’m also not fully included either. And I’m ok with that. Not because I’m declaring myself a loner. But because I know I didn’t make it easy to be included these last few years.
I had dealt with a lot and was still dealing with a lot. I wasn’t myself. My previous friends stuck around because they knew me from before. The friendships I did forge happened because they could see the sun behind the storm that was my life. And as I’ve talked about before, my life has only very, very recently felt like my own again.
I have hope for the future. Even though our gang’s main planner lives 3,000 miles away, the local friends can still get together more frequently. And after the mini-reunion, I realized I was capable of stepping into the role of planner. Instead of our usual unfulfilled promises to do this again soon, I could make something happen, likewise with the friends from camp, both old and new. Now that I feel better, I can have a more active role in continuing friendships.
Redefining Friends
As for the mom’s group in town? I don’t feel it’s as necessary to be fully included in that group anymore. The mini-reunion and day at camp showed me that the number of people wasn’t what mattered. One was a full-blown backyard bbq event with kids and chaos. The other was an intimate day and evening swapping stories around the campfire. What they both had in common were connections. (The other commonality is that hardly any of them live close enough to have regular visits.) So I’m refocusing my efforts to find the one or two people in town with whom I connect.
Friendships are essential, but for me, not always easy to come by. I watch my kids make friends with such ease, and I wish it could be the same way for adults. However, I can’t let that stop me, and you shouldn’t let it stop you, either. We can take these chances together, celebrate the successes, and support each other when things don’t work out.
So I propose a challenge: sometime during the next week, make an effort to reach out to someone you’ve wanted to know better. Worst case, you find out they weren’t the person you thought they were. Best case, you’re on your way to making a new friend. And I’ll keep you updated on my search for that perfect local friend.